End Of The World Survival Guide

If you are into that kind of thing, the world is due to end on Friday. So all of your December allowance that you spent on that Christmas gift for your parents that probably won't be appreciated? Yeah, they won't ever receive it.

But if you have serious plans about surviving in the world post-apocalypse, then follow some of these tips. Some require more forward planning than others, but of course, as I'm probably the most organised teenager on the planet (pre end of the world AND post), I have been preparing for months.

In the event of a zombie outbreak...
Strangely enough, the English local authority suggests keeping a stun gun near you at all times, as well as handcuffs and a protective suit.
If a zombie comes near you, don't freak out. Easier said than done. But seriously, freaking out will only make them angry, or so I'm told. And, according to various survival posters, do not place your neck in the zombie's teeth. Hmm. However, if said zombie does bite you, apply pressure and prepare to die.

Just joking.
Not.

Interesting fact. Don't burn zombies. Because burning zombies will release toxic fumes that could affect other people. You have been warned.

Assuming you escape the wrath of the zombie attack you will need to sprint. And sprint fast. Seriously, get your Usain Bolt on. From all the hundreds of zombie-related movies I have watched (just Shaun Of The Dead), zombies cannot run, or indeed walk very fast at all. It seems to be because they are all dragged down by their obscene amounts of fat, or even the hideous hoards of facial hair (see above). I don't know, just a thought.
Anyway, this is some end of the world preparation that I have found surprisingly difficult. I mean, the effort it takes to haul myself onto a treadmill or indeed, god forbid, actually leave the house, isn't really worth it. And anyway, I've always fancied becoming a zombie.
Okay, maybe not. Still can't be bothered to practice my running.

So, imagine this. You're all alone. By now, you've escaped the zombie attack and proved that you're as unfit as anything. Surely there's got to be some other survivors? When you run into them, don't let them leave your side. You need to assemble an army! Don't be picky, because Bear Grylls and Jonah Hill are probably already 'on the other side' (Bear Grylls would actually be useful. Jonah Hill would just provide some light entertainment). Everyone has some kind of skill, whether big or small. And hey, you will always need someone who can make sounds with their armpits.

Don't expect your army to look anything like this:

Set your expectations a little bit lower...

Being like the Rugrats doesn't have to be a bad thing. Quite the contrary, post-apocalyptic pal. Bagsy the ginger one. Trendy glasses bro.

You've got your crew, you're feeling pretty big and strong. But I warn you, don't attack the zombie. You'll always be outnumbered, and you're no David Hayes. Unless you are. Hi David.

Finally, hope you run into Leonardo DiCaprio soon. He's probably out there, searching for a like-minded attractive human being to repopulate the Earth. I'm right here, Leo.

Good luck and be safe out there.
See you on the other side

L x